Timelines Are Garbage

Monday morning I found myself doubting every single thing within my current station of life. Would things be different if I were smaller? What if I had never broken up with an ex years back? Would I be happy? Goodness no. What if I had finished my degree one of those times I tried the college deal? I’ve found myself wondering what I did wrong or where I missed a step. Somehow I am behind in the timelines of life and there’s no time to catch up. Like the rabbit from Alice In Wonderland, I’m late for a very important date. But am I really? Deep down, the answer to that is no, I’m not. There are no timelines in life and where I am or what I’m doing are not designed to fulfill or define me. I know this but lose sight of it on occasion…or voluntarily forget it so I can lament or wallow for a moment. Timelines are garbage.

What is to fulfill me is Jesus. Not the marriages I’ve seen people enter into and out of flippantly or even the ones that are still going strong after 60 years. Not the kids I’ve said I don’t want to have. Not the size I want to be or think men will find most enticing or attractive.

I have had and still have freedoms others would love to live in. Life is a lot of fun and I know I’m blessed. I never want to take that or the people I am near and dear to for granted. I think just seeing more people celebrating anniversaries, marriages, births, etc. gets the best of me some mornings. I will say that on Sunday mornings when I am in the nursery, it feels a little like Heaven while rocking littles to sleep before giving them back to their parents. 

In the grand scheme of things I am so fortunate/blessed/lucky (whatever your word of choice is) to live the life I have. While my job is stressful, it’s a great one that has opened doors to friendships and opportunities to pray that I could have only dreamed of. I have busted my tail to get where I am but God has been so gracious in the process of opening doors. Over the years there have been times I resented being the funny friend but I truly love it. Sometimes I walk the line of politically correct and socially classy like a well polished lady. Other times I just dance back and forth like a child who is showing their parents all the neat things they can do in their new light up shoes….only mine are sparkly. Safe to say I try to have a great time everywhere I go and leave some sparkle while I’m at it. 

If I look at social media and start to dwell on the highlight reels of everyone out there, I start to doubt the reason for God’s purpose right now and the reason for where I am geographically. I’ve shared before about longing to be on a mission field such as Italy or Haiti but my boss has reminded me before that where God has me is my mission field. Loving on, encouraging, and praying over people that need it in Chattanooga. Funny thing is there’s a gentleman I know through work that just walked up to me at my “cheers bar” and brought up how I prayed for him when he was new and learning the ropes of his job. 

Never underestimate what God will do through the simple act of obedience. On that note, He does not NEED us to say yes but invites us to do so. It gives us the chance to be part of the goodness of His blessings, wisdom, and faithfulness. We don’t have to join in. Life goes on and I’m sure it’s fine for some people on this side of eternity. However, the joys we could miss out on are things I want to be part of! 

I mess up daily. I’m flawed and fall short on levels that are horrendous but I’m thankful that nothing we do or go through is ever wasted. 

Fun fact that I realized last night as I was driving home from a friend’s: God gives glimpses of those little things I long for and don’t share with others. I got to pitch to and play backyard baseball with their kiddos and two neighborhood kids. It brought me such joy to know God was letting me have that moment of coaching and teaching. Some of my fondest childhood memories with my parents were at the ball fields as they coached and pitched to me. 

To sum it all up, there’s beauty in the now. It won’t be easy always and might feel unending but the morning comes while joy gets renewed. There are glimmers of hope and for that I am thankful. Oh and the timelines we compare ourselves to are garbage.

xoxo.